I saw 2 of my favorite patients today. A sweet dog and a really nice cat. And instead, I focus on the 5 bad dogs I saw. I did really well today, kept on schedule even though we were busy- I had an awesome team today, 2 of my favorite co-workers. One of them, at one point, I thought should be fired for a toxic attitude and some poor work performance. But that's another story. We get along well now, and I think we work well together now that we have figured each other out. Makes me think of that Anne Bishop quote, some people need a hard lesson and some people are the hard lesson. I have had to learn a lot about how to get along with co-workers, and how easy going I am apparently not. I always thought I was...
But, back to my main thought: Nothing objectively bad really happened today. Sure, we had some difficult to work with dogs, and one kind of scary dog, but things went well. Raid, where some things did go poorly, was well after this point in my day. Why was I so down on what should have been a good day?
I'm working on being healthier- trying to feel my feelings in stead of eating them (which is what this post is about), sometimes trying for more sleep. That one is tough, so many of the people I do things with are more nocturnal than I am. And I end up staying up way later doing things I don't need to do. So many of the things I am reading and listening to now talk about the mental side of things. Shaping your thoughts to get the feelings you desire, or stepping back to the facts and figuring out what you are feeling and thinking about them. Mindful meditation, taking care of yourself.
I feel like some days I am too busy to have time for this stuff. Then I wonder if I'm a workaholic- I just went down a day on my schedule and immediately wondered if I should pick up ER relief shifts for extra cash. I constantly worry about debt repayment- student loans are killer. I went down a day for my health, and mental well being so at this time I have not started looking for another part time job.
But veterinarians have a higher suicide risk than you might expect. And I am aware of that, and sometimes it pops into my daily life. A colleague walked out of the building with her drug box and committed suicide in a car. Not one I know personally, but works for the same company. We have to, as part of our AHAA accreditation, have information about suicide prevention on our controlled drug boxes. And when I hear stories like that, I want to be a healthier person- physically and mentally.
I would like to be able to feel like myself again. I hadn't realized I had stopped feeling that way until I suddenly felt normal a few weeks ago. I've been talking a lot with a friend about depression, and how it can affect your personality. I've often wondered if I need outside help. But then I feel like I have not time, and continue to tackle it all myself. Until I give up and go eat my feelings again.
I don't know why my brain focuses more on the negatives than positives. Always on the mistakes, not the good. I think I'll start with a small effort- I have a hard time telling other people they are doing well when they are doing the minimum I expect them to do- their job. Looking for good things, complimenting people, might give me a reason to look for the good outcomes, see the bright side, instead of focusing on the bad things that I may not be able to affect. Or help me recognize the things I can actually fix.
If you've read through this long- here's a picture of my dogs:
And here's a tidbit of vet knowledge: there is no best dog food. Some foods are better than others, but in general if your pet is eating it well, normal stool, nice coat and no itchiness or other skin issues the food is probably ok. Though I do recommend making sure it is AAFCO certified, ideally food trial tested- it will say somewhere on the bag. I get that question a lot from people.
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