Good things

Things were very negative last post, and tonight for me is  being dragged down by some pessimism, so I'm going to recount the good things that happened this week.

We successfully killed a new mythic boss, Maut, and started working on Hivemind.

My priest has usable weak auras for Disc, and I feel like I might be able to really learn to play it. I was also told I don't need to, which relieves a lot of pressure about playing it.

I did my first cherry eye surgery today! Than you so much to Dr Abrams and his awesome video that totally saved me! The dog presented for a neuter with a cherry eye, and when we called her about it she authorized repair.

My favorite co-worker might be back next week! She's pregnant and has been out for 2 months after getting the flu, coughing so hard she broke 3 ribs, and the corona outbreak. I might have my lunch buddy back really soon!

We had 2 separate instances of free food today. A lovely client had edible arrangements sent to us, so some of it was even healthy!

I had a successful, no complications spay this week too, after 2 bad ones last week.

And even with 2 days of crappy eating my weight hasn't gone up yet!

Those are the big ones I think of when I think of good things this week. There were lots of puppy snuggles as well, and only one incident of anal glands on my clothes, so I'll take it as a win so far.

One day left to do in the week, and no more plans that require me to have real brain power.

Next week I'll work on why I feel useless in WoW, and why I feel like I've been a bad doctor lately. But can only handle so much self-reflective negativity at a time before it all spirals down.

Bad Days

It seems like lately, every day has been a stream of small, bad things. By themselves, nothing concerning- a surgery complication, but managed. A busy schedule. A missed lunch. Discussing surgery complication with the owners. The corporate people breathing down our necks about profit. Telling people that their dog likely has months left. And sick pets leading to euthanasias. And that is my topic today.

I do not mind euthanasias, I seriously looked into a job in hospice at one point. I do not feel like euthanasias weigh on my soul- for the most part. The ones that do, are the ones I wonder- Did I make this worse? Did I give these people false hope, and make this pet suffer through painful days? Did I give these people too bleak a picture, and treatment would have worked? And the ones that I try not to think about, the ones I perform where I know the pet has a treatable condition and could have a loving home somewhere, with time and money, but the time and money just aren't there. And my personal thoughts for those ones is if I  won't take the pet home today and deal with the conditions, and I don't have anyone able to do so, euthanasia is viable. But those are the ones that hurt- the ones that just needed time and treatment, or the fear that I made an animal suffer through painful days needlessly for a recovery that was never going to happen.

And then there are the ones, that while they don't leave me doubting, don't leave me questioning my every decision in their care, that take so much out of me. The ones I have known and treated for years. The spicy cat that just laid there in front of me after not eating for days with the tumor in her abdomen. The old lab who just can't keep going for her people anymore.

I lost a patient today. Lost isn't really the right word- I ended her life. As I have done for many pets in the past, and will do for many in the future. But today, the barriers that let me compassionately help this cat die a peaceful death then let me leave the exam room and be the smiling, knowledgeable doctor excited for the new puppy that is my next appointment were just gone. Holes torn through them by a myriad of small stresses over the last few weeks. And the always constant question, did I do right by this cat?

I lost a patient today. To heart failure. She hadn't been to our clinic in a few months, but with the corona social distancing practices, I told the owner to bring in a urine sample for the UTI he thought his dog had, rather than having her come in. She came back a week later, in CHF. And was euthanized at the ER the next day.

I lost a patient last month. It was the first time I met him, but I'd treated his family's other dogs for a while. He was older, and had some neurological problems, and it was tool late to help him now- he'd reached the point where the owner wasn't willing to try. And he was a tough euthanasia. I could not get a vein, and he ended up being my first intra-hepatic euthanasia. I had not prepared what to say yo the owner in advance as I have for my usual euthanasia. I could only describe what I believed would happen from lectures and reading. And I had to convince her that he was not suffering for this, to her, non-standard way of euthanasia.

I lost 2 patients last month. And their owner brought in presents for me and my tech the next week. And they were so sweet, and absolutely did not deserve to die. But they had been deemed dangerous, and their owner was forced to euthanize due to court order, and she did not have the money to fight it. So at her request, I euthanized two young, physically healthy dogs, with animal control waiting out side to make sure we did. 

Euthanasia is an important part of my job. It is something I strive to make peaceful and comfortable for the pet and client. But some days, I don't know how to make it peaceful for me. I absolutely knew, with my cat patient, that her quality of life today was terrible, and prolonging things would be a cruelty. But could surgery last week, when we discovered the problem, have fixed it? Or last month, when I thought, her abdomen feels odd- but was never able to recapture that feeling on repeat palpation? And could I have caught something having the dog come in to check her urine, instead of just a sample? Started her on lasix earlier, or at least talked to the owner and learned that she had been coughing since December, he just didn't think it was a big deal.