Good things

Things were very negative last post, and tonight for me is  being dragged down by some pessimism, so I'm going to recount the good things that happened this week.

We successfully killed a new mythic boss, Maut, and started working on Hivemind.

My priest has usable weak auras for Disc, and I feel like I might be able to really learn to play it. I was also told I don't need to, which relieves a lot of pressure about playing it.

I did my first cherry eye surgery today! Than you so much to Dr Abrams and his awesome video that totally saved me! The dog presented for a neuter with a cherry eye, and when we called her about it she authorized repair.

My favorite co-worker might be back next week! She's pregnant and has been out for 2 months after getting the flu, coughing so hard she broke 3 ribs, and the corona outbreak. I might have my lunch buddy back really soon!

We had 2 separate instances of free food today. A lovely client had edible arrangements sent to us, so some of it was even healthy!

I had a successful, no complications spay this week too, after 2 bad ones last week.

And even with 2 days of crappy eating my weight hasn't gone up yet!

Those are the big ones I think of when I think of good things this week. There were lots of puppy snuggles as well, and only one incident of anal glands on my clothes, so I'll take it as a win so far.

One day left to do in the week, and no more plans that require me to have real brain power.

Next week I'll work on why I feel useless in WoW, and why I feel like I've been a bad doctor lately. But can only handle so much self-reflective negativity at a time before it all spirals down.

Bad Days

It seems like lately, every day has been a stream of small, bad things. By themselves, nothing concerning- a surgery complication, but managed. A busy schedule. A missed lunch. Discussing surgery complication with the owners. The corporate people breathing down our necks about profit. Telling people that their dog likely has months left. And sick pets leading to euthanasias. And that is my topic today.

I do not mind euthanasias, I seriously looked into a job in hospice at one point. I do not feel like euthanasias weigh on my soul- for the most part. The ones that do, are the ones I wonder- Did I make this worse? Did I give these people false hope, and make this pet suffer through painful days? Did I give these people too bleak a picture, and treatment would have worked? And the ones that I try not to think about, the ones I perform where I know the pet has a treatable condition and could have a loving home somewhere, with time and money, but the time and money just aren't there. And my personal thoughts for those ones is if I  won't take the pet home today and deal with the conditions, and I don't have anyone able to do so, euthanasia is viable. But those are the ones that hurt- the ones that just needed time and treatment, or the fear that I made an animal suffer through painful days needlessly for a recovery that was never going to happen.

And then there are the ones, that while they don't leave me doubting, don't leave me questioning my every decision in their care, that take so much out of me. The ones I have known and treated for years. The spicy cat that just laid there in front of me after not eating for days with the tumor in her abdomen. The old lab who just can't keep going for her people anymore.

I lost a patient today. Lost isn't really the right word- I ended her life. As I have done for many pets in the past, and will do for many in the future. But today, the barriers that let me compassionately help this cat die a peaceful death then let me leave the exam room and be the smiling, knowledgeable doctor excited for the new puppy that is my next appointment were just gone. Holes torn through them by a myriad of small stresses over the last few weeks. And the always constant question, did I do right by this cat?

I lost a patient today. To heart failure. She hadn't been to our clinic in a few months, but with the corona social distancing practices, I told the owner to bring in a urine sample for the UTI he thought his dog had, rather than having her come in. She came back a week later, in CHF. And was euthanized at the ER the next day.

I lost a patient last month. It was the first time I met him, but I'd treated his family's other dogs for a while. He was older, and had some neurological problems, and it was tool late to help him now- he'd reached the point where the owner wasn't willing to try. And he was a tough euthanasia. I could not get a vein, and he ended up being my first intra-hepatic euthanasia. I had not prepared what to say yo the owner in advance as I have for my usual euthanasia. I could only describe what I believed would happen from lectures and reading. And I had to convince her that he was not suffering for this, to her, non-standard way of euthanasia.

I lost 2 patients last month. And their owner brought in presents for me and my tech the next week. And they were so sweet, and absolutely did not deserve to die. But they had been deemed dangerous, and their owner was forced to euthanize due to court order, and she did not have the money to fight it. So at her request, I euthanized two young, physically healthy dogs, with animal control waiting out side to make sure we did. 

Euthanasia is an important part of my job. It is something I strive to make peaceful and comfortable for the pet and client. But some days, I don't know how to make it peaceful for me. I absolutely knew, with my cat patient, that her quality of life today was terrible, and prolonging things would be a cruelty. But could surgery last week, when we discovered the problem, have fixed it? Or last month, when I thought, her abdomen feels odd- but was never able to recapture that feeling on repeat palpation? And could I have caught something having the dog come in to check her urine, instead of just a sample? Started her on lasix earlier, or at least talked to the owner and learned that she had been coughing since December, he just didn't think it was a big deal.

New Year

A little late to talk about the new year, but here we go.

A brief reflection on 2017- lots of big things happened.

-I quit my job. That makes the second job I've ever quit for reasons unrelated to moving out of the area. And on my last day one of the assistants told me some lovely things about what the other doctor had said about me. Made me both really, really glad to be leaving and really sad. I think of myself as a likable, friendly person. The other doctor and I were merely colleagues, who barely talked to each other. Two introverts who made no effort, I had thought. That day I found out she likely had a bad opinion of me , both as a person and a doctor. Made me really sad, and a little angry that she never tried to talk to me about it. So very happy to have moved on to my new job.

-Started a new job! It took a while to get used to the other doctor asking my medical opinion- not used to that from my old place, but  a nice change. I was initially a little worried since several doctors I worked with had bad opinions of the doctor I currently work with, but so far we get along great and I love working with people who actually like each other. Plus, now I no longer work 6 days a week every week! That is my favorite part, time off.

-I bought a house! Sadly, my student loans are still more expensive than the house I bought. Not even close. But yay, I have a house! I now live 10 minutes form my job. No more hour-long commutes stuck in traffic.

Those are the 3 big things in my real life from 2017.

In WoW:

-My guild leader took a large step back due to health issues. He usually is less active as the expansion goes on, but he had to completely stop for a bit at one point due to health issues. We officers are currently trying to better hash out officer duties, more official guild rules than "don't be a jerk" and figure out the future of our raid.

-We lost a few good guildies from the game. Most to burn out, some to boredom. 

-The end is in sight! New expansion announced, I've hit 75 on my artifact weapon on 2 specs.

Current projects:

-Our guild rules/officer duties discussion

-Figuring out what we want to do with raiding once we clear the tier, and how to tell some people they just aren't hashing it in the heroic raid and should stick to open normal night. I suck at telling people no. 

-Finishing unpacking! At least by next Thanksgiving.

I'm Back! And of course, complaining

Wow, it has been some time. I have felt the urge to write, but it mostly strikes at work, and I don't want to do personal stuff on work computers. And blogging from my cell phone would likely be a pain.

Ah, work. I graduated! Full fledged veterinarian now, out and practicing for a year. I took a job with a shelter that also has a full service clinic for the public. I occasionally regret that, and occasionally really love it. I am looking for a different job due to work troubles- which may or may not end up another post. But today, this week, has been bad in work, job hunt, and WoW. With the triple whammy, I felt the urge to write my thoughts down.

The quick ones- 5 euthanasias in 3 days, the last one was an emotionally wrought emergency with a suffering dog we kept alive a bit longer than we should have in hind sight so family could get there, only to euthanize as they walked in.

Then Friday, I get notice that two of my patients have died. One expected, the other, while not directly my fault- the owners never came in for follow up care and instructions as directed, and never told me they wouldn't be able to, I still feel responsible. Because I had the option to send the cat home with a technician for care, and instead, happy the presenting people wanted to keep it instead of surrender, sent it home with them, believing they could care for it over night, and come in for further care in the morning if needed. So I indirectly killed that one.

I have been job hunting for several months, with little success. I turned down the offer from the first place I interviewed, which I think gave me false hope, since everywhere else has not worked out. Then I took a week off in September, for a few reasons, but one was to house hunt in the area where I am job hunting, believing an interview over the weekend went really well and I would get the job. House after I put the request in, was contacted and told they were not interested in hiring me.

That evening, raid time! Main tank and RL whispered me half an hour before the raid- sick, can't make it, can I run it? Sure, ok. Start raid up- we have a few guildies who like to get the Gul'dan thing. Tonight, they killed people as we zoned in. Annoyed 3 raiders (including our other tank and our strongest healer) and they just quit raid and logged. We ended up doing an alt run, unsuccessfully, with 2 alt tanks who were not geared well. Quit early. And I was pissed- at the people with the gul'dan antics, a bit, and they were talked to. At the people who up and quit without discussing any issues prior, I was furious. They said, later, the problems had been going on for weeks unaddressed- well, yeah, if no one tells me there's a problem, I don't address it. Leaving mid raid without comment was NOT the way I would have liked that handled. They wasted 15 people's time because they were annoyed at 2 people.

Still working out the raid situation.
I have amazing colleagues- posted about job woes and stress and had some instant responses. 

And I have new hope after getting a full night's sleep that next week will be much better.

Always Drama

As I write that, I realize there is no drama but what I am making it out to be. And in 2 weeks, there absolutely should not be an issue.

I have led the second raid team, the open, everyone can come if you can meet the minimum level requirement, group, for oh, since the end of SoO. I had planned on starting it the week after raids start, when LFR releases. I usually se the minimum level to be what LFR drops, so it makes sense. Plus, people can practice in LFR, which a lot of the people in that group need.

My guild leader had a short, 30 second or so conversation about it, in which it was mentioned I would do it week one if demand was high. I'd even lead a second group the first night if we had enough people.

Then a friend asks me what's going on with the group, someone else is leading it next Thursday. Another friend put up the invite for it. I talk to him and our GM asked him to do it. And I'm a little peeved at them.

The GM, for not just saying he wants me to have one, and the other guy for no good reason. I'm really only taken aback by him, I think. Out GM told him I was busy, wasn't sure about the schedule, and asked him to do it, so he did. He's a nice guy, ran mythic with me on his toon after he'd done them a few times that week. Always helps out, brings his main to bosses we need it, willing to do whatever. Super nice. So I can't be upset at him.

I guess I'm just possessive over the raid. It's my run. Been doing it a long time. Have specific things set. Was looking forward to our first night, now that I write this.

And the lack of communication really makes me want to scream. I'm already irritated by the promotion to officer of a few people. I remember one rage quiting at the end of a raid for loot issues, then not showing the next night. Others are fine people, but they do absolutely nothing outside of play the game. They don't really speak up or help out- they just raid and play their class well. Oh, they'll absolutely help if someone is told to talk to them about something to do with their class, but they don't do much else.

I guess to me officers should do something. Have a purpose. In the last guild, officers did invites and led events. Here, so many ranks can invite, officers do pretty much nothing. Occasionally remind people not to cuss.

And my rant has shifted. I've been tired, and it makes me much more irritated. I've had some tough cases, mysteries and euthanasias, super concerned people I can't comfort, good pets I feel I let suffer or am not helping enough. Plus being put in charge of an inventory that hasn't seemed to actually had inventory taken perhaps ever? Yeah, low stress.

But let's focus on good things:
-Our puppy is ADORABLE
-My druid hit 100, is gearing up, and I'm enjoying Legion
-Companion app is useful
-I have helped some patients. Super concerned owner's dog got her teeth cleaned and pulled, and she should be much more comfortable. Cat with an abscess got an appointment instead of likely ignored.

Always more I wish I could do-I wish I could give all the nervous dogs and cats some anxiety medicine. I wish I could give all the flea allergic dogs and cats good flea control. So many allergies. I wish I could talk to all our clients about all the things.

I had a sweet old lady client come in today to pick up medication, because phone tag wasn't working. Talking with her was really nice. Her dog likely has some degenerative myelopathy, which sucks, but the owner is nice. Now that I mention it, I think I had to muzzle the dog...But sweet owners.

I work at a place that will let me make changes. Which is grand. Where I can do things. Where I can talk to colleagues. I wish we had more complete records from other doctors, but I'm trying to keep mine good. I wish for a lot of things.

And tomorrow, I wish for a good day of appointments with fixable problems and animals who aren't suffering beyond what I can alleviate with treatment.

Do you know I made one old woman cry when I told her euthanizing because she couldn't treat was an acceptable thing to do? Now, treatment is preferable to me. But if your pet has a disease that is costly to treat and manage, and can cause the pet to suffer if not treated, I believe euthanasia is a choice. Rarely the first one, but it is always one, and we have to remember that.

And the CE on VIN has been helpful. I expected Getting Through the Day to be like Getting Through the Night- how to handle regular day stuff, like that one was how to handle regular emergencies. But the first module was how to handle the day stuff we don't think about- communication and taking care of yourself.

I've rambled so long I forgot I was even upset. Thank you for reading :)

Offering Help

I was reading this post from Navi earlier, and it struck a chord with me. I struggle with this a lot. I run the normal raid in my guild, and one night is an open, everyone can come night if you meet my minimum requirements. And thank goodness for guildies who don't mind doing a bit of carrying.  We take everyone, and some of the people would like to come on the slightly stricter, I need you to kinda know your shit nights but they just aren't quite there.

Our guild doesn't really have the best environment for asking for advice and getting help improving. Individually, I can approach several people with questions about their class and get helpful advice, but these people don't offer it up. And we don't encourage people to seek it out. I haven't ever been in a place that just offers up help. Even here, at vet school where most of the people love teaching, you have to go to them. And that's tough for a lot of people- especially if you view WoW as a game, something for fun, but not something to work at. I could easily turn WoW into a full time job trying to coax and coach people. Of course, what I want and what's actually best may not be the same thing.

And I know I'm part of the problem. I am supposed to be policing the group a little better, as far as who can come and who can't, and I'm not. I don't know how to tell someone they need help. I worry that I'm upsetting people. For example, we had a guildie who used to come all the time, on many alts, going as far back as coming to flex runs with me in my last guild. And one day, I told him he was welcome to bring whoever he wanted to the open night, but he needed a little more work on that particular toon before coming to the slightly stricter night (I have a hard time calling it "closed" because it really isn't). And they pretty much stopped coming. They come along later in the night, if one of their friends asks, and they're great and bring their main and help when we're struggling. And when I think about them not coming now, I feel bad. I have no idea if they don't come for personal reasons, too many raid nights, or if it is what I said. I do tend to be self-centered and think I'm the cause of everything though. I do think they talked to another player, and improved their skills with that class- but they have not brought that toon, or any other alt, to my raids. I don't know if it was since then, or if it tapered off. I didn't notice it until some weeks later. But that makes me worry about telling people I need them to improve for the harder bosses.

I have managed with some people who clearly need the work, telling them they can't come on the second night unless they improve, and offer to help. That is with classes I know a lot about (so, basically resto and feral druids). I get prickly if someone who doesn't play my class or role tells me what to do- oh if people could've heard me the day the tank tried to tell me how to heal. Or seen the look on my face. Cause, really dude? REALLY? Yeah, you better just stop there.

I may be a tad sensitive about some things...

I need a lot of improvement myself. Mostly with communicating. Rather than ask healers to call out CDs, I found an addon to track all the things. ALL OF THEM. Which, super helpful as raid leader- I know who rezzed whom in combat, and the timer left, no matter what the toon. Can track all the ring CDs and who popped it, plus all the big CDs and if I cared to several of the minor ones. Awesomely helpful addon.  Does not foster communication beyond knowing who's tranq is off CD for me to call out (often unnecessarily because my healers are usually on the ball!)

Anyways- how to foster a helpful atmosphere. Once upon a time, in a land far away, we thought about having an open vent night for questions and things... Not sure that'd work. Our vent is not very active outside of raids (another issues, but not one to be addressed here). And inside raids, I think I've pushed the "don't talk during boss fights please" hard enough that some people just don't talk. There are several "borderline" people as well- mostly ok, need some work but I don't know what and I don't have the time to dig through logs and find out.

I think I am going to have to take the time, to at least sort out the ones who need mechanics work, DPS rotation work, and a few need some behavior work. I've had, not really complaints, but comments about how annoying so-and-so is, and I don't know how to address that.

I'll set a few goals here:
I know at least 2 people I need to talk to right off the bat. I will do that.
-Look through logs, pick out those borderline people
-Decide if they need to be talked to
-Talk to the tanks and tank alternatives about swapping roles around, because that needs to be fixed.

Before I actually talk to people:
-pick one thing to talk to them about
-try to work in something good they do
-give them one thing to work on, and a way to work on it

Ok, those are the tentative goals for this raid. Let's see if I get to them by Saturday.

Catch-up

Wow, it's really been over a month? Time has been flying by. A few things have changed since then. Some personal stuff went down, which added a bit of stress on top of the usual. I've begun raiding again with the heroic group, and my normal group kill Mannoroth.

On the school front: I finished Rehab and moved on to Exotics! It was fun, but pretty busy. They are called in for any exotic emergencies, so I had that a few times. One really bad night had me there til 9 dealing with a bunny who further featured her leg following surgical repair earlier in the day, then back at 11:30 til 2:30am for surgery on a bird with a prolapsed cloaca, and back in at 7 to check on the bird and bunny. Those few days were bad. Interesting, but sleep was dearly missed.

Now I'm on radiology. It's been interesting, but stressful. There's a final at the end with a tough pass rate. Here's hoping I'll be ok when I take it tomorrow. The rest of this one has been pretty simple. Study cases, take radiographs, present a few cases, leave at 5 unless you are one of the few who has to stay late or cover on call.

On the WoW front: WE FINALLY FINISHED GOLD CHALLENGE MODES, YAY! And I promptly set up another group for us to take alts. Cause I have a short memory and forget how much I hate scheduling things. Then someone offers to schedule things and I remember I am a control freak sometimes. Yeah... Anyway, on to group 2, so my monk can get a pretty weapon.

I'm raiding regularly with the heroic group again. We had a 2% wipe on Archi last night. I think we'll get it. The tiredness is making me more mellow about things like the fact we started half an hour late, went 15 minutes late, and were making some silly errors. Yay sleep deprivation! Been getting just enough to be mildly amused at everything, but not so little that I am entirely dead. On the plus side, this means I don't care so much and have been feeling more comfortable in raid. I will probably hang around as long as school will let me. Or until I don't wake up in time from post-school pre-raid naps.

The normal group is doing quite well. I still have trouble telling people they can't come, but I'm working on it. We downed Mannoroth, but it took pulling in 2 heroic raiders to help. I'm hoping the additional tier will help us, and if we still struggle I'll remove some people who are having issues. Problem is, if I base it on DPS, we have some people who are ok with mechanics and have a great attitude who are just missing the DPS their gear would suggest. Everyone meets my minimum gear requirements, and I don't feel raising them is logical or would be helpful.

It's something to work on. I've been forgetting. And my monk is the back-up tank for that group, but I'm about to drop that spec for WW. Eek! Just when I got my 4-piece too, I was looking forward to tanking. I do need the practice as windalker, so I plan to respec tonight. Which I had actually completely forgotten about until I wrote that. Whoops. I may need to heal anyway, but I'd like the option to DPS if I can.

That's the short summary of the last month. Goals for this next month:
-Finally do some work on Raiding with Leashes 3
-Study for Boards (Nov 20th, TOO SOON)
-Work on telling people they need to improve for the Sat group